In the beginning, he knew my plans.. My story In the beginning, he knew my plans before time began. So as the universe lay dark without a glimmer of light. He thought to make me, what an undescribable thought to know I was made with an intricate plan. He wove and molded me within my mother’s womb. I was perfectly and wonderfully made by the hands of the all mighty God. It would seem right that one might fear and marvel at our maker that I was made by. I was born with the seed of death. Long before I was formed, God made a man and a woman who were perfect without blame, they were to live with God walk and talk with him. To imagine such a thing is far beyond my comprehension. That one might walk with God. Yet God wanted those he made, to worship and enjoy him forever he didn’t make robots. But those with mindful hearts to follow him. So he tested them and placed a tree of good and evil, telling Adam and Eve do not eat from it or you will die. He placed this to see if they would obey. They had the finest choices of food. Yet they chose to eat from it, believing the lies of the enemy who had persuaded them Satan said” did God say you really would die? The woman took it and saw it to be good so she gave some to her husband, later God called out for them and they hid, and they covered their nakedness, God said why are you covered? God knew their actions, yet they blamed each other. So the end of the perfect relationships with God was severed by their own sin. So as I was born I possessed this seed, without knowledge, of the wrath of God . If I did not seek after God to restore the broken relationship with him, I was doomed for eternity in hell. My life was on a path separate from my true Father. All Gods children are separated from their heavenly father and some are entangled, but God seeks his lost children and calls them home. Restoration was made by the blood of Christ.God took the broken relationship and restored it through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. Everyone has fallen short of the glory of God and has sinned or broken his holy law. God in his holiness cannot live with sin and so God demands a righteousness to get into heaven. Thru the death of Christ our sins are paid for.
My parents were always fighting and yelling at each other. My heart ached, how could they be in so much agony? Why would she leave? I remembered, the many times before when I had seen my mother running from the church, as though they had hurt her. She had rushed off in the trees to cry away her sadness, and frustration. Then shortly after, she would see her father yelling out for her mother. I was far too young to understand how the church swayed my mother and father, to believe twisted and manmade lies, for their own gain. They were too blinded to see the destruction it was causing in their marriage. Now in hope to restore the damage, they packed their bags and moved far away. But unresolved, bitterness, anger, unforgivness, ate away at the core of their hearts, leaving many wounds, that were torn open. Without proper care, infections began making the whole family deathly sick. So in their story they held to bitter pain, never dealing with the problems. My mother was done, we packed our bags and moved to Flagstaff,Rage filled me at the thought of leaving.
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The years passed from eight to twelve and by now. My mother had got remarried and had two more children. Shortly after my mother’s remarriage my father became very bitter and turned from God, and substituted him for beer. My mother also spent some time holding on to the past memories of what had happened, and had hardened heart. She searched for a new church but none could offer hope to her despair. By the time I was fifteen my mother struggled with her health, which left her in and out of hospital for two long years. My mother tired many time to take her life. There one time I tired to stop her, the cops were called on us. I always feared that there would be one night she wouldn't come home from work. After many test the started helping her. Me and mother were always yeling at each other. At seventeen I had an opportunity to move with a friend in Flagstaff. I was still continuing my education when I found myself going to another friend’s house. It was my junior year and I had met this guy. He seemed be a nice guy and I began to go out with him. We were often at parties drinking and socializing. He asked me the junior prom I was so excited what girl won’t be. The prom was what I had expected it to be. But it was short, we had only stayed for an hour. There was a after prom parties to be at. We ended up at a hotel party. Where I drank so much that I blacked out leaving me vulnerable. Some things happened that night I would never erase from my mind, as is branded in my memory. I had felt so ashamed that I had let myself get into that situation. After my experience I was so ashamed, and never said anything to anyone. I had felt that it was my fault so I continued in the relationship. It wasn’t until I thought that I was pregnant and that he told me to get an abortion when it all came crashing down on me. The relationship was over and it had turned out that I wasn’t pregnant after all. This seemed to be the beginning of my snowball slowly adding one trial after another. Shortly after, my stepbrother was in a serious car accident which left him paralyzed. This left me questioning the very essence of God, how could he let this happen. The next three months I cried myself to sleep. What was life worth living for? I cried out "if you are real God, can there be a love that is real and dosn't stop? I questioned what would happen if I died. I decided to move in with my brother and help him out. He had a roommate who was a Christian and on a beautiful summer evening and he offered me to go play frisbee. I gladly accepted and found this rewarding . He poured out kindness that I was not accustom to. He invited me to church on Sunday evening to the college group. My experience in the past instantly made me put up a red flag, the God I had known was a mean vicious God. I had been to church and it was always negative. I was very fearful feeling condemned, but that day that was different. The praise and worship seemed to resinate in my heart. The words that I was hearing were in fact true, God was real, Jesus was real it all started to make perfect sense. My ears were opened, I could hear. My eyes were open to see the cross. At that very moment I was empowered by the Holy Spirit.God placed on my heart that my life was now his. Changes were on my horizon my sins had been washed away and behold a new creation stood in this church. I began hugging everyone being filled with excitement and zeal. He put it on my heart I was to RUN for Him. He told me that He was the love that I was looking for. This was start of my love story of me and my king. It was my hearts cry that I would love more everyday. That day I felt it with great extreme. From that very moment he put in my heart the commitment to know him better. Better than I knew myself for the worldly desires had only left me with heart ache. My hunger for truth grew and grew I often found myself lost in scripture. My passion and fire to seek him was overwhelming. So after me getting saved God brought me through my stepbrother dying, my father also dying and reconciling the relationship that had been devastated in the past before he left. There has been a sweeter gift getting to Know my earthy father before he died. I didn't want to forgive my father I didn't like him, He left me. But God called to love Him. Three long years I was by my father side. Each year we got closer and closer. It was two weeks before he died that we had a weekend to ourselves that we just loved each other. God can taken what was broken and bring healing. Also with my own personal trials, a diagnosis of type one diabetes and chronic fatigue. I have been sick for 3 years. I still struggle today with my health.I know it has been a bitter sweet gift from God, I have grown and become closer to my God through it. I wasn't allowed to be a Missionay due to my health.This was my life passion, to be over sea. Sometimes we have to let our dreams die, and He give us new ones. He has broken me down and remolded me with a heart that leaps for the salvation of America. My heart now weeps for America. Before my good friend went to China, I told her I would pray for her, and try to get others to pray to. It was hardest ministry I had ever done. I have wept when I was the only one at the prayer meeting. I would of gave up, but God said no keep going. This gave me a deep passion for pray. It has been a constant growth process with growing pains and many benefits, passion for prayer, there is no boasting in my accomplishments he deserves all the glory. If it wasn’t for his intervention I would still be on the path of destruction, he called me and I answered ,I will forever glorify his name. I love how each of our story are differnt what a good God we live for. I know God has much more for me to learn. I cry out here I am send me, use me, I am yours.
My parents were always fighting and yelling at each other. My heart ached, how could they be in so much agony? Why would she leave? I remembered, the many times before when I had seen my mother running from the church, as though they had hurt her. She had rushed off in the trees to cry away her sadness, and frustration. Then shortly after, she would see her father yelling out for her mother. I was far too young to understand how the church swayed my mother and father, to believe twisted and manmade lies, for their own gain. They were too blinded to see the destruction it was causing in their marriage. Now in hope to restore the damage, they packed their bags and moved far away. But unresolved, bitterness, anger, unforgivness, ate away at the core of their hearts, leaving many wounds, that were torn open. Without proper care, infections began making the whole family deathly sick. So in their story they held to bitter pain, never dealing with the problems. My mother was done, we packed our bags and moved to Flagstaff,Rage filled me at the thought of leaving.
.
The years passed from eight to twelve and by now. My mother had got remarried and had two more children. Shortly after my mother’s remarriage my father became very bitter and turned from God, and substituted him for beer. My mother also spent some time holding on to the past memories of what had happened, and had hardened heart. She searched for a new church but none could offer hope to her despair. By the time I was fifteen my mother struggled with her health, which left her in and out of hospital for two long years. My mother tired many time to take her life. There one time I tired to stop her, the cops were called on us. I always feared that there would be one night she wouldn't come home from work. After many test the started helping her. Me and mother were always yeling at each other. At seventeen I had an opportunity to move with a friend in Flagstaff. I was still continuing my education when I found myself going to another friend’s house. It was my junior year and I had met this guy. He seemed be a nice guy and I began to go out with him. We were often at parties drinking and socializing. He asked me the junior prom I was so excited what girl won’t be. The prom was what I had expected it to be. But it was short, we had only stayed for an hour. There was a after prom parties to be at. We ended up at a hotel party. Where I drank so much that I blacked out leaving me vulnerable. Some things happened that night I would never erase from my mind, as is branded in my memory. I had felt so ashamed that I had let myself get into that situation. After my experience I was so ashamed, and never said anything to anyone. I had felt that it was my fault so I continued in the relationship. It wasn’t until I thought that I was pregnant and that he told me to get an abortion when it all came crashing down on me. The relationship was over and it had turned out that I wasn’t pregnant after all. This seemed to be the beginning of my snowball slowly adding one trial after another. Shortly after, my stepbrother was in a serious car accident which left him paralyzed. This left me questioning the very essence of God, how could he let this happen. The next three months I cried myself to sleep. What was life worth living for? I cried out "if you are real God, can there be a love that is real and dosn't stop? I questioned what would happen if I died. I decided to move in with my brother and help him out. He had a roommate who was a Christian and on a beautiful summer evening and he offered me to go play frisbee. I gladly accepted and found this rewarding . He poured out kindness that I was not accustom to. He invited me to church on Sunday evening to the college group. My experience in the past instantly made me put up a red flag, the God I had known was a mean vicious God. I had been to church and it was always negative. I was very fearful feeling condemned, but that day that was different. The praise and worship seemed to resinate in my heart. The words that I was hearing were in fact true, God was real, Jesus was real it all started to make perfect sense. My ears were opened, I could hear. My eyes were open to see the cross. At that very moment I was empowered by the Holy Spirit.God placed on my heart that my life was now his. Changes were on my horizon my sins had been washed away and behold a new creation stood in this church. I began hugging everyone being filled with excitement and zeal. He put it on my heart I was to RUN for Him. He told me that He was the love that I was looking for. This was start of my love story of me and my king. It was my hearts cry that I would love more everyday. That day I felt it with great extreme. From that very moment he put in my heart the commitment to know him better. Better than I knew myself for the worldly desires had only left me with heart ache. My hunger for truth grew and grew I often found myself lost in scripture. My passion and fire to seek him was overwhelming. So after me getting saved God brought me through my stepbrother dying, my father also dying and reconciling the relationship that had been devastated in the past before he left. There has been a sweeter gift getting to Know my earthy father before he died. I didn't want to forgive my father I didn't like him, He left me. But God called to love Him. Three long years I was by my father side. Each year we got closer and closer. It was two weeks before he died that we had a weekend to ourselves that we just loved each other. God can taken what was broken and bring healing. Also with my own personal trials, a diagnosis of type one diabetes and chronic fatigue. I have been sick for 3 years. I still struggle today with my health.I know it has been a bitter sweet gift from God, I have grown and become closer to my God through it. I wasn't allowed to be a Missionay due to my health.This was my life passion, to be over sea. Sometimes we have to let our dreams die, and He give us new ones. He has broken me down and remolded me with a heart that leaps for the salvation of America. My heart now weeps for America. Before my good friend went to China, I told her I would pray for her, and try to get others to pray to. It was hardest ministry I had ever done. I have wept when I was the only one at the prayer meeting. I would of gave up, but God said no keep going. This gave me a deep passion for pray. It has been a constant growth process with growing pains and many benefits, passion for prayer, there is no boasting in my accomplishments he deserves all the glory. If it wasn’t for his intervention I would still be on the path of destruction, he called me and I answered ,I will forever glorify his name. I love how each of our story are differnt what a good God we live for. I know God has much more for me to learn. I cry out here I am send me, use me, I am yours.
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