Broken and Humble ( writing, confession)

Sweetly broken I guess I could say..I sat there and the tears started to come. My heart was angry . Bitterness started to fill my heart. I prayed God speak I am drowning here. I want to run away. I was sitting at Care group next to me was my friend. My heart burst in pain. It seem everywhere I looked I saw pain. My heart was crying, I can't bear it lord help me. He began to ask what did you hear God speaking to you at Church today . During Church he was talking about what it meant to be part of the local body and willing to give your life for her. I agreed with everything that he was saying. I agree we are to be part of the Local and God displays his glory through it. How it is a family. What is a family? Do we love each other that way? But my heart look around I judge this place they don't love me. I am ignored. My heart long for this love within the Church . I sat there holding back my tears. My chest was hurting I was so upset in side. I sat there again my heart braking. I felt sick and I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there anymore. As a few shared my heart kept getting heavier. I had to share. But will they think? I can’t do this I wont. But I couldn’t bear it I had to be honest with them. I had to humble my heart before them, and be real. I said lord I have fear, please give me your grace. I said with a soft voice I have something to share, what God has taught or showing me today.. But I have to be honest I have fear to share. " I have been on a road of struggles this last two months. I went to my mothers, were in was only pain and heart ache I was faced with past rejection and misunderstanding. I had to let go and forgive. To carry none of the pain of past. But cry through the pain and ask God to heal. Then I travel to flagstaff. where I was hoping that body could some how meet this need in my heart. and my physical needs. My heart was in sorrow and joy. God was teaching that in sorrow comes the greatest gifts of knowing him more. Weaker I seemed to get, and sorrow grew. Although it was only short moments, I was fighting them. They told me to make my need known and I did. Once again I felt they just pushed me off. No place were opened, So many were saying be filled and be warm, but they didn't want to help me. There were a few who I was blessed by. I felt they had no desire to meet the need, or concern to great to do anything for some. And those who did had no means. I no other choice but to trust God and not man. Some many were willing to meet the needs of missionary I beg the question are we not the same? If we can write a check for missionary why are not willing to help who are in our Church? I felt hurt and rejected by some I knew. But God was teaching me a new way of what it means to love the body through this..My whole thinking had been changed on what and how we to give our lives for the Body of Christ. How little I give. How little I willing love. I ask the lord make me willing to give al I have if so. Do I hold to close that which I have. And how we are to be family. Some say that with family we have to do this and that because we are blood but how much more with the blood of Christ bring us together? We are family we should want to help each other, not they had to but we should love to help the poor? Love to help our family, anyway we can. We are to give our lives for them. Willing to die for them? But I know God has brought me back to a deeper trust in Christ. ..It wasn't about meeting my needs God is able to do that. It seems the lack of awareness of the Church to help a sister. I cried and cried asking God to take me home when I was in Flagstaff, I was at my end. It so was from my sorrow God was bring a new growth in my heart. and now I am here and I don't feel this Church and this group loves me.( Don’t get me wrong there were many people in flagstaff that loved me and I am every thankful and praise God for them. I am thankful for there friendship and kindness they showed me.) This is my feeling. I have pride and misjudgment towards you. I confess this to you all. I ask you forgive me. I don't feel cared by this group. I have to ask for your forgiveness, I misjudge you. maybe pride is in my heart, basing this off feeling and we can't trust our feeling. Because I don’t see people asking how I am, how is my health? How are you at Church? Who is coming after to want to get to know me? Don said, I am hearing this right you are saying that you feel that it seems we have failed as a care group to make you feel care for and a Church? I looked around as 20 or more eyes were looking at me and said yes.. I said I want God to brake down the walls that are put up when I misjudged and think of you in the wrong way. Even if you are wrong and sin by not reaching out, I am called to love you all as to give my life for you. But I can't love with these walls. So I ask for pray for these walls to broken down. A girl asked. So what can you do to put on? I said I guess I am to reach out and love you all even if you never come up to and make me feel love. I guess I can make a effort to get know you and reach out to you. I can walked into the Church with a right heart that says I will go and say hi to people and love them. beside waiting to be loved. One girl said please forgive me I walked by you, and I didn't want to take the time to get to know you. I said I forgive you, and rest of group ask me to forgive them. I said you know I struggled with saying I will be part of this Church if Gods here in Tucson. I see this where God wants me, I must humble myself and being willing to love you. I walked in with a heart that wanted to leave , after humbling my pride and asking forgiveness I felt like I could fly. I was free from that sin. I freed to love them. free to give my heart to them. I know what God calls of me to love even if they don't. The question was this how much I am willing to give my heart my life for this family my Local Church? are we willing even if is silly to be honest and confess our sins to another? It was hard but it was wonderful at the same time.. Blessing are mixed with pain. blessing Charlene